Messing with my own self

I play with myself. The whole damned time. Asking more and more and more. Never satisfied. Continously looking for order, perfection. Do the right thing. What is right? What is wrong? It is right when it feels right, when there is nothing more that you need. Not a single thing, idea, thought. But that is an instant. Gone. I am back searching, hunting, ready to get the worse out of myself. They call it evolution. I am evolving into something else that is supposed to be better but you know it is not. Because the shiny colors of our childhood are gone. The mistery of the unknown is not there anymore: everything appears like it really is, monotonous and boring. I need a Wonder. I need to feel alike and kicking. I need energy.

But most of all what I need is balance.

And that is what growth is about: finding a balance.

I don't know how far I am in my path but I need to find this key. Age does not make you any savvy. The answer is inside. The day I shall find it a ray of light will pass through a million leaves and hit me. I shall smile like I never smiled before of an enormous joy because I know why I am here, because I know this all makes so much sense. Because I know this is an enormous gift, to be here and have the chance to give it a try, to taste the bitter and the sweet, to jump into tremendously cold water and get the kick of it, to watch the snow falling slowly outside the window and there is no school tomorrow.