Messing with my own self

I play with myself. The whole damned time. Asking more and more and more. Never satisfied. Continously looking for order, perfection. Do the right thing. What is right? What is wrong? It is right when it feels right, when there is nothing more that you need. Not a single thing, idea, thought. But that is an instant. Gone. I am back searching, hunting, ready to get the worse out of myself. They call it evolution. I am evolving into something else that is supposed to be better but you know it is not. Because the shiny colors of our childhood are gone. The mistery of the unknown is not there anymore: everything appears like it really is, monotonous and boring. I need a Wonder. I need to feel alike and kicking. I need energy.

But most of all what I need is balance.

And that is what growth is about: finding a balance.

I don't know how far I am in my path but I need to find this key. Age does not make you any savvy. The answer is inside. The day I shall find it a ray of light will pass through a million leaves and hit me. I shall smile like I never smiled before of an enormous joy because I know why I am here, because I know this all makes so much sense. Because I know this is an enormous gift, to be here and have the chance to give it a try, to taste the bitter and the sweet, to jump into tremendously cold water and get the kick of it, to watch the snow falling slowly outside the window and there is no school tomorrow.

Una noche

Sep 15, 2007

El fuego en mi vientre, este deseo urgente.
La pasión pendiente.
Tu olor en mi mente,
envenenando mis sentidos.

Te llevaste lo sufrido.
Me salvaste del olvido
Me regalaste en una noche,
todo lo que había perdido.

Te bastó un momento,
para volverme a la vida.
Me embriagué del gozo,
que provoca tu embestida.

Otra vez volveré a perderte.
Y se esfumará mi calma,
Y tú seguirás viviendo eternamente,
en el fondo de mi alma.

Il gelo dell'anima

Come e' possibile che gia' sia arrivato l'inverno? Come puo' essere che tutto i colori si siano sbiaditi, che tutto sia stato coperto da un grigio pallore? Come e' lontano il tempo dei perche', delle mille domande, dell'instancabile curiosita' di bambino, dell'entusiamo per ogni nuova scoperta, della felicita' di gettare un ramoscello nell'acqua per vederlo passare dall'altra parte del ponte. Dov'e' finita tutta quella energia? Non ci sono forse nuove parole da imparare, nuove storie da ascoltare, nuovi posti da esplorare? Cos'e' questo freddo che ha avvolto la mia anima, che l'ha resa sterile?

To blog or not to blog...

Sure you feel how all of this has no sense at all.
We run and run in circles but we are always here.
Much about making me feel how inadequate I am.
We'll fly into the wind as tiny hot ashes.

Il mio disegno politico.

1. Il rispetto del prossimo.

Continua...

Sulla Liberta'

La liberta' e' decidere di andare a lavorare tutte le mattine. Decidere che e' ora di alzarsi, mettersi in sesto, fare il caffe' ed andare in ufficio. Ad un ora stabilita, fino a pranzo, per poi tornare al lavoro, fino a sera. Poi si torna a casa e sono libero di mettermi di nuovo al computer. Ma potrei uscire. Magari un altro giorno: lo decido io. E dove andare? A vedere un film, a mangiare e bere fuori, una birra, due, tre sul terrazzo di un bar in centro. Sempre lo stesso e sempre diverso. Senza legami. Liberamente decidere sul che fare. Liberamente?

Liberta' e' 21 giorni di vancanza all'anno. Perche' dobbiamo riposare, finalmente rimediare allo stress della vita quotidiana. In 3 settimane al massimo. Torniamo tutti abbronzati e carichi di foto di ricordi. Viaggio. Nuovi posti, nuova gente. Meravigliosi paesaggi, albe e tramonti, riappropriandoci del nostro tempo, intensamente vivere in due lune. Per riabituarci a stress e ritmi dopo una settimana dal ritorno. Liberamente.

Il lavoro nobilita l'uomo. Sara'. Io a volte preferirei poltrire, girarmi dall'altro lato e affondare la testa nel cuscino. Ci si dovrebbe continuamente riqualificare. Se infatti fossi uno scrittore, musicista, artista, fotografo potrei raccimolare il necessario per vivere. Magari non chiedendo l'elemosina, che anche nel mio concetto di nobilta' non e' ai primi posti, si potrebbe eccellere in un campo, di grano,gratificato da nuovi traguardi, nuovi obiettivi, prospettive diverse. Diverse da una carriera che ho sempro detto essere contro i miei principi, la scalata al successo, alla gerarchia di comando, ad uno stipendio migliore, ad un'automobile piu' grande.

Liberamente scegliere di volare via.

Leoncavallo and other stories

The opera was great. I do not fancy opera, I never did. Maybe it is because of my father, that hates it. Maybe is because I cannot understand what they sing in my own language. I found myself reading the subtitles in dutch trying to follow what they were singing. But when Canio started with "Ridi Pagliaccio" I got the shivers running all over me. 2 hours flew away like a "battito di ciglia" and I found myself screaming bravo and clapping hands loud. There is something about doing things for the first time, something incredible that makes you feel like a kid, that makes you open your eyes up wide and capture every little shade, something that deepen your senses, changes your perspective, makes you feel like a virgin.

When I walked out Amsterdam looked even more beautiful. I was in a glorious mood. I met with Nando, Enrichetta and her father again. I was very open to some conversation and we discussed about the opera and Amsterdam and Holland and how good it is to be here.

Strange days

Today was a strange day. I decided not to go to Breda and stay here in Amsterdam. The plan was to go to the opera, Pagliacci: Ridiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii Pagliaccioooooooooooooooo that is all I knew about it. I woke up before the alarm clock, fixed myself a royal breakfast like I never do, showered and jumped on my oma fiets to go and get the tickets at Nando's place since he had forgotten his wallet at home. I am always amazed by the beaty of Amsterdam when am I am not obsessed about getting to places in time and the sun was brightening things up. I was feeling good. I locked my bike and ran up the stairs. Irene was there and we had a small chat since I always have "cockroaches in my ass" like they say in Kosovo. I quickly run to the Muziek Theather but I had to wait. There was a delay with the rehearsal. After half an hour Nando came out and had this plan of me getting in and jump into the "buca" to get access to the artists restaurant. I was scared about it, since I am notoriously brave, but I said yes and walk into the Theather. Fortunately doors were shut and I could not get in so I met him in the hall. We were walking around spotting preys when he saw Enrichetta. They waved and we walked to her. She is the "Prima Ballerina" of the theather and she was sitting at a table with her father. After 10 seconds she was already on my nerves. I quickly looked through her accessories. A Luis Vitton bag, prada boots and an attitude. It was time to move on, the show was about to begin. I found my place and I was looking around amazed. The intense red, the ceiling lights, the sound of the tuning instruments. I was like in a trance, my arms on the balcony, my head resting on them...

Are you talking to me?

What am I looking for?

What am I looking for in the end? What is it that really matters? Maybe Pleasure? Joy? What about Happiness? Should I care about my health, quit coffee or other delicious things because they are armful to my body? Should I find the balance between body and mind, starting to clean up the first so that conscience would follow? Should I try to put myself into situations never experienced before?

To breath fresh air and keep my spirit alive. That is what I am going to do. Or should I rather study, grow professionally and cultivate my career?

Don't Trust Anybody Over Thirty.